Flaming Tummy Bug...........

not sure if it is the same as I had last week or something else but I seem to be prone to the tummy bug that is doing the rounds. Just spoken to my Dad and he says that Mum has it as well. I got sent home with it yesterday and rested up today although did have some fun with Ryan on Wii Sports Resort. I like the Wakeboarding and Frisbee games best. Playing that really cheered me up as I have felt a bit down because of the tummy bug. Going to have a go at Wii Fit again in a minute.

Handed in my notice on Monday too. Being ill has not helped the cause but I am looking forward to the new job as it is a new challenge that I will relish.

I have also made a decision about being more positive about things. I have had a lot of time to think while I have been off and I just wish that I had thought about it sooner. I have decided that I need to rid myself of anything that is causing a negative reaction in my life. That includes spending less time on the PC, more time doing the things I should be doing in the way of housework, spending time with the kids and Tim and making sure that there is nothing that will cause any hassles like alcohol and unwanted friends around. It also means that there will be a more positive bearing on the way I do things in general like to do with the bank and things like that. Sometimes when things have got on top of me all I have wanted to do is cry. I need to stop that and only cry when I need to for a reason. Though saying that this tummy bug has brought tears to my eyes a few times.

The new me starts here....................will update soon

That was the week that was

as a holiday a total disaster. A weekend in Southend, a day in Southampton and a day in Swanage because I felt so rough was all we managed to do. Saying that we did get out and fly today. Well Tim did. I just sat there and watched. Talked to a few people about flying and what the local area is like. Or more to the point the lack of local flying sites. I wish there were more but as Baiter is the only one I guess we will have to make do with that and the odd trip to Westward Ho! for now.

Feeling a bit rough still but nothing like as bad as earlier in the week. Stomach still twinges from time to time but is not too bad now. I can eat better now as long as I am careful. Fizzy drinks and bland food seem to be working. Not sure how it will affect my weight but will find out tomorrow night.

Went to Swanage yesterday and sat on the cliffs at Peverell Point watching the Red Arrows. OMG they are amazing. Because of where we were stood they seemed to come so close to us. One of them flew over and it was almost as if you could touch it as it seemed so close. I also got some very nice pictures of them which will be on my website shortly. We took a picnic and had a lovely time. I felt a whole lot better than I did the rest of the week and the fresh air did me good. It was nice sitting out in the sunshine and the clouds covered the sun at just the right time to take pictures.

Back to work tomorrow. Need to speak to the boss about my new job and advise that I will be finishing on 07 August. I knew that something would have to be done about another job as this was due to finish in April anyway but I actually feel quite sad about it as there was less stress in this job than any I have done in the last ten years. Oh well things happen and its time to move on even if it is sooner than I expected it to be.

I hate being ill.............

it got so bad I went to the doctor this morning who said its gastroenteritis. No wonder I have been in so much pain...............bland food for the next few days for me then though made a mistake and ate some grapes earlier which was not a wise move at all.

On the plus side this week as the majority of it has been a disaster I have been offered and have accepted a new permanent job with the department of Work and Pensions as a benefit advisor in the local call centre. Its good money and I should be able to work more or less the same hours as I am now, give or take half an hour. I will miss the people that I am working with now though. I have come to like them a lot and they are just a lively team to work with. I still have to tell the boss at the agency and also the boss at where I am but that can wait til I go back on Monday.

Not much else to tell due to not really being able to do anything.

Time I caught up with things

Well been to Southend instead of Eastbourne. Very little rain (less than here by all accounts) and very gusty wind meant very little flying done. But we had fun and ended up sat around a bonfire on Saturday night. Only thing that I forgot to pack was the gas lighter for the hob and had to use matches which I hate. It was nice to get away just the two of us. There were not many people at the event due to the wind but we still had a good time.

We are on holiday this week. Stands to reason that it rained all day today. Went to the new Ikea in Southampton yesterday. What a store and how reasonably priced are they? I could have spent a fortune and yet spent about a tenner all told. Got some tea cups and saucers that are bigger than tea mugs for less than £3.00 each set. They have a small food hall in there too which had some really nice things in if only we could have gone straight home. Had to get the kids from Paultons Park on the way back.

Today we had big trouble with the front door and had to call someone out to fix it. We have had it about three years and the whole of the lock mechanism has gone on it. The people we got it from have done a temporary fix and will source the full lock in order to fix it properly.

I have also been ill again. Not content with a throat bug over the last couple of weeks I now have the stomach ache from hell. Not sure what I have eaten (except a Subway type roll in West Quay yesterday) that could have caused it. So the only place I have been today is H2O for Kristie's new harness and Sainsburys for Eggs and bread. Think I will have an early night though.

Not sure what we are doing for the rest of the week. Hope to go flying tomorrow...............if it ever stops raining................

More soon

Have I really not

written anything since Tuesday? I can't believe it is that long ago since I wrote. But then that could be because not a lot has really happened since then.

Had a review at work and got what is considered to be an above average grade for a 'new starter'. I was very happy with that especially as I thought that I was sort of just on average even though I like stuff I can get my teeth into and seem to be getting more of that now. I seem to pick things up very easily with this job which is why I feel less stressed than in previous jobs. I know it is going to come to an end one day. Hopefully not for a while yet though.

I have started to think about the Summer holidays now that they are only a week away and what the kids are doing. We are off the first week and going to Southend (just me and him) next weekend and then not sure what we are doing the rest of the week. I am looking for inexpensive places to go that we have never been to. A lot is weather dependent. I am also going to delegate tasks to them to do each day regardless, no excuses for not doing them. I am also going to encourage Ryan to keep a diary of what he does over the holidays which for some reason this year are a week longer than normal.

Watched the Speedway on TV earlier. The Russians beating the Danes and the Swedes was a real turn up for the books and does not really bode well for our chances if we make the play offs on Thursday. If they carry on the way they are I can see the Russians winning the whole event.

I am also starting to enjoy Facebook a bit more now I understand a bit more about it. I now have 6 friends and it feel that it is also helping with my issues over depression and other things. I am not getting involved in some of the games and stuff but do play Bejewelled Blitz sometimes. Not got a very high score compared to the rest of my friends though.

More tomorrow

Today has been a good day..........

Well apart from being disturbed early by Tim when he went out. But then I never sleep properly after he goes on anyway. I felt good compared to what I normally do when he goes off to Willersey and it lasted all day...............more or less.

I did a risotto with Spinach in for dinner as Tim got given some at work today. It was very Slimming World friendly and worth it. Just a bit too salty for my taste. I am trying to be more radical in the way I do food. Tomorrow we will have a salad to use up what is in the fridge. Not sure what with yet but it will be good what ever it is.

Its been a good day at work. Yesterday I struggled but today I excelled myself by going above and beyond the call of duty with the work I did. Boss says I could be out a grade ahead if I keep this up for the next few weeks. That would mean being involved in the more complex stuff. I want something to get my teeth into.

Dreamed about going away last night and for some reason we ended up in of all places Hamburg. Now I have only been there once in 1983 and can remember walking round town and knowing where I was going despite the fact I had never been there before. I have had that about a few places we have been to. Colchester and Cambridge being two that spring to mind. But then I have issues with Deja Vu anyway.

Night all

Why???????????????

Some days I feel as if I am going to fall apart. I have been not what I would call the perfect wife but a damn sight better than I have been and all I feel is lost and alone at times. I hate being criticised. I hate days where like today it has been hot and sticky and its given me a headache. My throat feels like the bottom of a bird cage and is very sore. Most of all I hate falling asleep in the car when we go out, but sometimes I can't help it. May be its regression to being a baby and the need to sleep. I have days where I could fall asleep at my desk, I can fall asleep again within half an hour of getting up but can I sleep at night????????????? Not always though it has been better. What has not helped is it has been time of the month the last few days and that takes everything out of me. Sometimes all I want to do is cry. Its as if I don't then this depression will not leave my system. Even when there is nothing wrong sometimes I feel like this. I feel I am becoming a better person. Its a long haul though. The alcohol has gone out the window and I live on diet coke and flavoured water.

I am sort of mastering the art of Facebook. Can anyone tell me what Farm Town is though as I have received a gift and have to return one and don't have a clue what it is about. I now have 5 friends on there. Its a good way of keeping in touch with people which is why I signed up. As they say its good to talk. I find it easier to talk in an email or text than face to face a lot of the time.

Busy week for Ryan next week with two school trips, sports day and reports coming out. He is off to Monkeyworld (school have adopted a monkey and he has been selected for the visit) and Moors Valley Country Park with the 'Calm Corner' group. Bless him he had a better social life than I do...................

Remembering when

what with it being Jenna's 18th today, it sort of took me back to when I was 18 nearly 30 years ago. We hired a skittle alley for my party and had meals in baskets and a small bar and about 30 guests. My mother did the sherry on arrival bit and we had a good laugh. One thing I have never forgotten is that we hired a mini bus to take everyone home as we lived in New Milton and everyone else lived in Poole. As Liz (who sadly passed away last year) was the last one to be dropped off, I decided that I would phone her the next day to make sure that everyone got home ok. She made me laugh when she said 'That half bottle of sherry that your Mum gave to your Gran' I replied 'ummmmmmmmm yes?' Liz carried on with 'well not only did she finish it off but she started to sing dirty rugby songs as well'. Cue me thinking 'oh my god what is she going to do next!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Nan swore blind she never sang (she never could anyway) and didn't remember getting home.

I miss my nan still as it has been 17 years since she passed on. She always used to make me smile and also used to get embarrassed going out with me because I was taller than her. It also made me think of the others we have lost since the kids came along. Uncle Ray, Uncle David, Auntie Vera, Jean and Geoff, and of course not forgetting Tim's Dad. All of them missed in different ways.

The heat is getting ridiculous. I am sat here almost naked because it is so hot. 27 c in the dining room and that is with a fan on and the windows open and the back door open. Need a thunderstorm to clear the air really. Will it happen is anyone's guess. The intense heat seems to give me a permanent headache and occasional fuzzy vision. I can put up with that though. As long as the headache does not go in behind the eyes I will be fine.

No Kristie tonight, she is staying at Caz' house as she needs cheering up. Early night I hope.

What's it all about then

Facebook that is. I have signed up after debating it for ages and will be using it to keep in touch with friends and relations more than anything. have had a couple of silly conversations with my best friend and it seems quite good fun. Getting used to it though is another thing.

Its been hotter than hell here. Or so it seems. Its been so hot today that it was cooler inside the building at work than it was outside. That was until the air con started to play up and be silly again and a couple of people nearly passed out. I hope Jenna is ok though. She is 18 tomorrow and was complaining of feeling rough earlier. Sounded a bit like tonsilitis which I hope it is not. She also had a huge bouqet of lilies delivered to her as an early birthday present today and the smell was amazing.

Not much else to tell really. Been to hot to do anything any sense so have not really done much. My hip is still hurting but is not as bad as it was. Kids are ok as is him indoors. Need cold drink to keep going though....................

Almost forgot this to do with Ryan and school. He came off statement 2 years ago and the procedures that were agreed were not put in place. To be honest I had forgotten about it until we saw Ryan's consultant in May. However the school have now stated that they cannot understand why nothing was done about the procedures and are in the process of implimenting them. They will now make sure that Ryan has a lap top for year 5 and extra time for tests etc.

Learning Curves.......................

Had to learn something new at work today. How to deal with Executor and Trustee mandates which are a nightmare. Well easy but still a nightmare because half the time something does not match and has to be referred.

Missed weigh in tonight as there was a conflict as to whether or not the meeting was on or not. We were supposed to be contacted but no messages or emails so not happy. Still we will go along to a different group tomorrow night instead and see what is going on. Hopefully have lost a little bit this week.

They have also announced the date for next years British Speedway Grand Prix in Cardiff which is going to be on 10 July 2010 and its the tenth anniversary one. I so want to go to it and I am determined to get there somehow. I really enjoyed the one at the weekend and it has made me enthusiastic for more. Watched Eastbourne v Swindon on the TV earlier and it was a very good match. Wish I could afford to go to Poole more often as it was always so good, even when we were losing it was always fun. Trouble is it would cost us about £50.00 a week to go as a family. And at the moment that is money we have not got.

They also announced the GB team for this years World Team Cup. Bring on the youngsters. They have dropped Nicholls and Richardson, the second of which surprised me. I thought he would have been included based on the fact that he is on such good form at the moment. I agree with the choice of Harris, Kennett, Bridger and Woffinden but not sure about King. Oh well time will tell.........................

Cardiff and other odds and ends

Well mostly Cardiff if the truth be known cos very little else has happened..............

Had a really nice day out, was a good meeting but the sound system was crap and the pre meeting entertainment could have been better. The racing its self was good...........not a great deal of over taking but what there was turned out exciting. I think that all 4 of the finalists deserved to be there and that Jason Crump was a worthy winner. However I have just read that the result will not be made official until an inquiry into the behaviour of Sayfutdinov and Nicholls has been resolved. Not that it will make a lot of difference to the final result as nether made the top 8. Saying that I have never liked Nicholls anyway, too much of what my Dad would call a 'big I am' or in other words likes things his way or no way.

Disappointed that Chris Harris got excluded but these things happen. Did not buy food, drink or souvenirs up there at all because of the costs but at £8.00 the programme was worth the money for the information and photo's alone. We also had a very good view from where we were which was high up on the back straight, opposite the start line. It was so flipping hot it was harder to know which was worse, being inside the stadium or outside and they only opened the roof for a short time. We left home at 7.30 and got there at 10 but by the time we found somewhere to park it was 10.30 so we had 4 and a half hours to kill. The stadium was about a 10 minute walk from the car park and was dead opposite the Cardiff Central train station.

The only other thing that has really happened was I saw my friend Carole's sister and neice and some of her kids today for the first time in a very long time. We popped over because Tim had to sort out a PC problem for her and Her sister was staying with her and as Mel only lives down the road she popped up as well. I have not seen Mel since Nan died and that was when Kristie was 18 months. Her second Matthew is the same age as Kristie and is also very musical. As for little Emily she is just so sweet. Its nice to catch up with people now and again. I am going to set up a facebook account to keep in touch with everyone. But with private settings only.

Oh and I have hurt my hip. Doing of all things getting out of the car when we got back from Carole's and I am now in agony. Pain killers are not helping at all.

I feel a rant coming on..................

but I am doing my best to control my mood at the moment due to certain issues that are going on.

I feel so low at the moment. I can't go into the full detail here but needless to say I am unhappy and feel as if everything is about to collapse around me. All I seem to want to do is sleep and cry to get it out of my system.

We have the big boss from Head Office coming down tomorrow. His visit could well determine the future of our department when it is up for review as to whether we stay where we are or if they move it up country. I hope that they don't move us because it means I would get to stay there indefinitely. I really like it there still as it is not high pressured and everyone gets on with everyone else.

I have just watched the speedway on TV. Lakeside v Wolverhampton and I must admit that the better team won on the night. Ty Proctor was just brilliant and it was a good solid team performance.

I really can't think of anything else to write at the moment. If I do I will just end up in tears and I don't want that......................

And now for some good news

Went to weigh in tonight and I have lost a pound and a half this week. I am happy with that as I want to do this steadily. I also have a new book of Summer recipes to go through which looks good. Got a couple of ideas from it already. I like the look of the chicken Kievs and Ryan keeps pestering me to make a diet friendly desert so we can all have some. There is a strawberry ice recipe that looks easy. I like trying out new ideas however they do not always come out the way I hope they would.

Work is the same as always. Got loads done today though. Including several referrals that were passed back to me. Trouble is I referred them over two weeks ago and heard nothing.

Cardiff is only 5 days away and I am really looking forward to it. I am getting quite excited about going because it is so long since we went to a speedway meeting. I might even try and get down to Poole a few times to see either of the teams when we can afford it.

Ryan starts an after school club tomorrow. doing waveboarding at the secondary school over the road. It should help with his co-ordination and was one of only 15 kids chosen to do it. I am very proud of Ryan and the way he has come on over the past 3 years. He is a very intelligent child who can learn and remember things very quickly. The only thing he falls back on is his writing and spelling but that is all part of the dyspraxia.

Waiting for Kristie to come in so I can go to bed.........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Kids and Pools...............

Ok so we had my friend and her daughter over today for a BBQ so we set up the pool for them to play in. Bear in mind it was sunny when it was put up and it clouded over but remained warm and muggy for the rest of the day. So Ryan and Amber after a rather animated conversation about Pokemon decided to go and paddle. Except that they both ended up soaked from head to foot and both were fully dressed at the time. Cue towels to dry off and keep warm. It was well worth it for the look on their faces when they said what had happened. Kids and water...............a recipe for disaster but fun....................

It was also nice to catch up with them as we have not had them over for a very long time.

The BBQ was nice. I still have a large bowl of salad made up in the fridge and some potatoes so I guess that is tomorrow nights dinner solved. Just got to find something to go with it. We had marinaded turkey, sausages, burgers, pork rashers and pork kebabs. We ate indoors because it had cooled down a lot outside.

Before we went out an incident happened that I wish with all my heart had not. My regret was that I did something I should not have done (talk to someone he does not like but I get on OK with) and then was what you might call economic with the truth to start with. They asked about a picture on my website and I replied saying that I would look into sending it to them (which I will not). I should not have replied as it has now caused a problem. The thing is I am finding it hard not to talk to this person. Apart from a happy birthday text this is the only contact for three weeks and that is the truth. But it is the truth that appears to be the problem.

More thoughts tomorrow........................

What is it that some people don't understand...........

After work went into Poole to get a couple of essential bits and pieces that we needed. As it was Saturday (also market day) the place was absolutely manic. Did not stay long but a couple of things really got to me.

The first was that the number of people that stand blocking shop doorways when you want to go in. Ummmmmmmm there is enough room in the place without you blocking the doorway up. The other is people who fiddle about with change at the tils. Now whether paying cash or paying by card I always have my purse out ready to pay but a classic example was today in WH Smiths where at being third in the queue the first person took forever to find her purse and then dithered over how to pay for it. The guy in front of us had the right money but the cashier had trouble counting it and then there was me with purse and card at the ready. I hate shopping on Saturdays in town which is why we do the food shop on a Friday night. Less people around and a better choice on what we want.

Finally got my birthday present from Kristie yesterday. The Daniel Merriweather CD Love and War. If its anything like the first two singles he released it will be good. I like music that is a little bit different sometimes. Could account for why I think Jack Johnson is brilliant. got all his CD's and find them good to listen to at work. I got moaned at for singing along to the Foo Fighters today as well. Did not realise that I was doing it though. I also have a habit of singing along with whatever is on the car radio which is not good because I a) get told off by anyone else in the car and b) if I do it for too long I end up with a sore throat. I used to be able to sing as a teenager but several bouts of severe laryngitis put paid to that.

One week to go till Cardiff and I am getting mega excited. A couple of the lads at work used to live there and kept telling me they wish they had tickets for it. Oh well this time next week we should be on our way out of the stadium. Only downside is that it is about a three and a half hour drive each way.

What a mess..................

some of the processing I had to do at work today was quite messy and complicated with all sorts of rules and stuff having to be applied. On the other hand some of it was easy and only need to be uploaded.

Its been a fairly quiet day though. My friend Linda is back from her holiday and has a cold along with jet lag. She went to New York and Niagra Falls whilst she was over there. Honest I am not jealous at all. I would prefer to go to the quieter less touristy places like Seattle or may be even somewhere like Minesota. I like exploring and finding new things to do.

I think our holiday in October will be in Cornwall. There are so many places in this country that I have been to and love and loads to still visit and explore but Cornwall is where I find myself at peace with myself. There is so much to do down there that we still have loads of places to explore. I want to do Lands End and The Lost Gardens of Heligan next time we go. I also want to find some decent places to eat rather than cooking all the time or eating at Maccie D's. I know the kids will vote for Pizza Hut though.

If not Cornwall I would like to explore the Lake District, a bit more of South Wales where my grandparents came from, of may be the Yorkshire Dales and the North East coast which is one area I have never been to ever. I would also like to go to Scotland as I have never been. The furthest North I have ever been is Sunderland.

I can't think of anything else to write at the moment so I will stop there for today.

Sore eyes and a girl with no fears.................

For some reason today my eyes have been very sore.............not sure if its from looking at a monitor for too long or over tired but I kept on having to flush them with cold water and some of the time shut my eyes for a few moments so that I could rest them and see properly again. Its been driving me mad.

Kristie seems to be ok after Tuesday nights incident and being told she has a cracked elbow. She has been carrying on as normal by going to college and popping into work and various other things. She has gone to a works BBQ tonight. She didn't know anything about it until about half an hour before she went out. She gets on well with the people at work. Three of them are going to Alton Towers for a few days in a few weeks time.

I had a bit of a wobble earlier. I know why but won't go into detail yet but lets just say that a Gin and Tonic would go down rather well right now. There are little things that trigger me off sometimes. Just something simple like an unexpected phone call or even talking to Tim can do it. Other times it could be an argument with someone or seeing something on the TV that does it. All I want is to be normal whatever that is. I need to stop feeling insecure about myself and be up front about things. The thing is I find it hard to talk to anyone, especially those close to me some of the time. Think I must learn to be more assertive in what I do and how I do it.

I am looking forward to the weekend with the BBQ Sunday not sure what we are doing on Saturday but I am planning to work from 9-1. I think I need to do the odds and ends shopping and then may be come home and sort out the garden. Oh for an automatic lawn mower..................

They should have called it off.................

Tonights speedway that is. It did not start raining here til 5.00 when we pulled on to the drive and yet it the track at Poole is a complete disaster. It is on TV which is why I am watching it. Reminds me of a meeting I went to at Reading many years ago when we had an hour delay due to a torrential downpour. Its bad that Daniel Davidsson and Chris Holder both have shoulder injuries. I wonder who else they can pull in as replacements. But what a revelation Joe Screen is. Some people thought that it was a mistake signing him in the winter but he has turned out to be the best thing to have happened to Poole this year.

Woo hoo we drew with a 5 man team. Best we could have hoped for.

Its been a funny sort of day though. The boss was off for the day and left Gwyn in charge and certain people played up. I just get my head down and get on with the job in hand. I batched in excess of 500 corperates today. Took til lunch time but it was well worth it. Meant I could get my head down and do some complex multiples this afternoon.

I am trying to find different things to have at lunch time at work. Chicken noodle salad today but it tasted like cold chicken chow mein. It was nice though. I sometimes have a fruit salad as well or something from the yoghurt bar.

I am trying to think of things to do when I have my week off at the moment. Places to go and that sort of thing. One trip will have to involve trains for Ryan but not sure about anywhere else right now.

And Kristie has been to A & E and has a small crack in her elbow and bruised bones. Someone tried to steal her phone and ipod off her last night in broad day light and pushed her to the ground. They did not get them luckily but she has been complaining of pain since she got in last night and went to A &E at about 5.30 and is on her way home now. I hope she is ok though. Dinner to be done when she gets in. What am I going to do with her? She should have a permanent bed at casualty if you ask me the number of times she has been in the past few years.

I have never seen..................

So many motorbikes in one place at one time. Again down on Poole Quay but this time they took up most of the car park on the harbourside at Baiter too. I reckon there was in excess of 2000 bikes of all types, size and age down there tonight. It was hot and sunny and the pubs and food places were doing a roaring trade. You can get special meal deals in some of the eateries. Took some pictures and will post one (and a mini one) later in the week.

I am getting to grips with my new phone. I have sussed out most of the functions now. The only thing is I am still carrying the old one around with me on silent for a few days and the other half moaned because I did not answer the phone earlier. He only dialed the old one and not the new one so naturally I didn't answer it. The good thing to is that this one does not used predictive text which gets on my nerves a bit. Touch screen phones are weird. very sensitive and I worry that I may hit the wrong button sometimes. The only thing I dislike about it is the side screen widgets seem to open at will if you leave the side bar open.

Caught the bus to work today and saw one of the girls that I used to work with. She asked how I was getting on. Said that I was happier and a lot less stressed than I was when I worked there. Its strange though after two years of working for them, I have only seen two people that I worked with and barely spoke to them. To be honest I have nothing to say to anyone there at all. I still hate the way I was treated but have realised I am better off now than when I was there. Best to leave all of it in the past.

Might be going out on an 18th birthday bash in a couple of weeks. Jenna at work is 18 on 02 July so she is having a few drinks on the night and then we are having a team night out a few weeks later. Should be fun. Its years since I went out on an 18th bash apart from taking Kristie out for hers last October.

More random mutterings tomorrow...................

Strange sort of day................

I did stuff at work that I don't normally do which was tedious and not as good as my favorite part of the job. It has to be done sometimes I know but there are times like today when my eyes started to hurt that the normal stuff would have been so much better. But you have to take the rough with the smooth and today was definitely a rough one. It was also hot in the office. Because we are a secured area we are not allowed to have doors and windows open and as the air conditioning does not work it gets far too hot. I was told at one point when it got really hot last year there were 5 people fainted from the heat on the same day. Hope that does not happen to me.

I went to get weighed tonight. Put on 2 lb but I know why. The Indian meal and the BBQ on Saturday although saying that I did not eat a great deal at the BBQ. I am going to look into more ideas for the BBQ and salads without too much heavy dressing on them. Also low syn (SW points) salad dressings. I love pasta salads but why do the dressings have to be so fattening. Coleslaw deli style is not too bad but I really must learn to make my own salad accompaniments.

Not much else has happened today. Got an early wake up call tomorrow as Tim is off to Worcestershire so hopefully an early night.

Ok so that did not turn out as planned................

Decided to have a lazy day today. Well that was the idea anyway except I ended up getting a new phone on a different network. We had to go and do a little bit of shopping and ended up in the 3 shop a few doors away from the supermarket. Only went in to have a look and ended up with a Samsung Tocco on a far better contract and signal than we have on Orange. For the past 7 years I have either had to go out in the garden or hang out of the bedroom window to get a signal. Only downside is that I have a different number now. So that means letting everyone know about it which when it is fully up and running I will send out an email. I can do email and internet in unlimited amounts on it as well as texts and 200 minutes cross network. Oh well it will keep me quiet for a while whilst I work out how to use it.

The BBQ I had planned the went out of the window when we realised that we had not put the racks from the BBQ in to the dishwasher for cleaning until 5.00. By the time they were done it would have been to late to cook outside so I cooked it all inside for a change and I am now so full up that I think I could not eat another thing til tomorrow lunchtime.

Wind has not been any good to take the kites out again. Another weekend gone by and nothing. Its Southampton Kite Festival next weekend and for the first time in years we cannot go. I have to work on the Saturday morning and the rest of the day has other stuff in store and then on the Sunday Carole and Amber are coming over for a BBQ, which will be fun.

Oh well back to work tomorrow and at least I know where I stand financially as working Saturday mornings brings me up to what I was earning before.

BBQ's, Build-A-Bear and Birthdays................

Well today has been quite chaotic all in all. I managed to go to work for 4 hours, take Ryan out, visit my Mum and go to near Romsey for a BBQ in the past 14 hours.

To start at the beginning. I work Saturday mornings because it more or less brings me up to the money I was on before. So I did 9 til 1 as normal. Then Tim dropped Ryan off to me as I promised him some 'Mum and me' time today. We went to Build-a-Bear in the town centre. How crazy is that shop. Ryan chose a dog to make and had a barking squeaker put in it. (I drew the line at a beating heart) the process is really quite intriguing. The way they stuff the bears and sew up the backs and they get you to put a heart in and make a wish. Then you can 'fluff up' your bear and brush it and then on top of that there are loads of outfits to choose from. anything from football kits to fancy dress to surf dude costumes. Oh and the accessories you can get like shoes, sunglasses and roller skates not to mention surfboards. Not bad for a tenner for the dog. He is going to be accessorised later. My sister also went there earlier in the day. But then she is a bear fanatic and bought the surf dude outfit and surf board for her Koala and bought a new bear too.

Then we had to get my Mum a birthday present. Now what the heck do you get for the woman who collects anything and everything. The kids got her a Grandma Mug and a Me to You bear in the shape of a fairy cake. We got her a book about Poole Park. Mainly because she spent a lot of time there as a child and there were loads of old and up to date pictures in it. Very different and she likes things like that. Thinking about it she never told me what Dad bought for her which she normally does.

Then Dad brought us home and we got ready to go to the Marquis BBQ. There have been a lot of people changes but still a few familiar faces and got to know a few new people. One person said the last time they saw me Ryan was really tiny so that must be 9 years ago being the last time I went. Someone also said that they remember me from a Christmas do at Autosleepers a few years ago, but I cannot remember them at all. Then I realised that I did remember but must have had a Gin and Tonic head on at the time. Food was nice and drank masses of diet coke even though Kris tried to persuade me to have a beer or wine. He is a star is Kris, he did my character reference for this job that I have now. He is a genuine all round nice person.

Think I deserve a lie in tomorrow after a really busy day.................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mini's???????????? What Mini's

Picture will follow when they are downloaded but we went down to Poole Quay earlier for the Quay to my Car night. Basically what happens is that every Friday they choose a type of vehicle such as in this weeks case the Mini in all its forms and dedicate the evening to it. It was great seeing the really old ones right through to the BMW versions and including pick up's, Mokes, Marcos' and also some really odd ones like shortened (think cut and shut) and really souped up ones. It was quite fascinating. They close the whole of the Quay off from the High Street by Corkers restaurant right down to the roundabout just past the Quay hotel. They do the same on a Tuesday for the motorbikes and also they have a sort of party night on a Thursday in the summer for firework displays and other activities.

I have also been told that I am going out again tomorrow night. Twice in one week is unheard of you know. This is to the BBQ that him indoors works is having at their open weekend at Paultons Park. Not in the park its self but next to it. Tim used to end up working the weekend there til he took over the IT but he went to set up the laptops up there today and they invited us along. Not seen a lot of the Marquis crew for ages as they have not had a chirstmas do for a few years and a lot of people have moved on as well so it will all be very different.

I am feeling bloated again due to a late tea. After the Quay we went food shopping and ended up getting a half price hot chicken which although nice has left me feeling very full indeed. I shall not eat much during the day tomorrow as I am at work in the morning anyway and then out to Build a Bear and getting my mother a birthday present and card. What do I buy for her though? I have no ideas so going to take pot luck and hope we find something. When you get to her age they have everything they want and its difficult to know what to do.

Waiting for Kristie to come in and then I can go to bed............zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Indian meal and a nice surprise

I have just come in from the most amazing Indian meal which him indoors took me out for tonight. It was absolutely amazing and I am so bloated that I feel like I am going to explode. I had a nice starter with egg and minced lamb in a coconut and tomato sauce, Chicken Sally which has straw potato and onion, tomato and a rich spicy sauce followed by a hazelnut ice cream. Not surprised I feel bloated. But it is well worth it. Back on the diet in the morning and as for lunch you might as well write that off.

Had a card off Jenna at work which was a nice surprise but an even bigger one was that the boss called me over and gave me a card signed by the whole team. I had only told Jenna it was my birthday but as I took some cakes in everyone found out. I was also told that I am doing well with the job and only have a handful of minor errors to my name which is not bad for 4 weeks in. And I am doing overtime on Saturday again. Might as well while the work is there.

I have sussed out that my mother has bought me a snack maker which can make all sorts of things but its going to take some getting used to using it. I also got a diet cook book (not SW related) and a set of Maeve Binchey books as well as the tickets for Cardiff. Is it me or do people think less of you when you get older. I wish I knew. As for being 47? Age is just a number my friends and some mornings when I wake up I feel about 104. I also had some lovely homemade cards from the family.

Not a lot else has happened today so I think I will leave it there...................

I was sat at work thinking............

What would I do if life was different. I mean if I had not married him indoors and had the kids. What would I have done? I suppose the one big thing would have been to travel all over the world. I wanted to work in travel when I left school. I even did a diploma in travel and tourism, but when I went into the real world of it, it was very different. Much harder than the course had lead us to believe. Places I would like to visit are New Zealand, Australia, Canada, Brazil, Scandinavia, go on safari in Africa somewhere and all over Europe. Not keen on the idea of Russia, could tolerate the USA and would like to see some of the lesser known places.

Work was different today in a sense, I actually got masses done in a very short time. It was all going too well when I had a major problem which took me half an hour to sort out but with a bit of help I succeeded. They are a lovely team that I work with. They like to have a laugh and a joke but they all work hard as well. We are all going out one night soon when Jenna is 18 so that should be a good laugh. I have to take in cakes tomorrow as it is my birthday but not many people there know that. I also had to leave a note on my monitor today to ask the person on the evening crew that uses it not to adjust my scanner settings as they are set to the way my eyesight works. The daft person also managed to lock me out of one of my log ons so I had to use the spare one today.

Am I looking forward to being 47? Or as him indoors puts in 21 with 26 years experience. I don't know but life can only get better with age. For example I was 28 when Kristie was born and three weeks short of 38 when Ryan was born and I felt so much fitter at 38 than at 28. I wonder why that is. Even now having restarted Wii Fit last night I feel fitter than I ever have done. I want to start swimming again but have to wait for my eczema to clear up again before I can. I might even start cycling if I can use Kristie's bike. I just want to get completely fit.

Will tomorrow is the big day so lets see what it brings....................

Positive thinking........................

Now as a result of depression I have found that there are a lot of negative thoughts in my head. This reared its head when I decided that I did not want to go down to see the motorbikes on Poole Quay tonight but that him indoors could go on his own. He decided not to for various reasons but mainly because he felt that I should not be here alone. I think this is after last weeks meltdown he is afraid of what I will do if I am left alone. So we have not gone. He is not happy about this but I have promised we will go next week. I just feel a little under the weather today. My head was pounding again this morning but I managed to get through a day at work despite the bus being late and that the can of diet coke that I got in the canteen when I got there decided to split on me going over my jacket. So I am stood there totally unimpressed by this event and all the duty chef could do was laugh and offer me a cloth to try and dry it out. The heat in the office did that anyway as the air con is broken again. It made me smile though.

On the positive side I got through the day with Tim being at Willersey. I struggle badly on those days. But today when I got up there was a lovely email for me reminding me to be positive and telling me he loves me. I felt so good this morning that I wanted to scream it out to the world. Actually I could have quite easily gone back to sleep. But sticking to the positives, I feel good about me for the first time in ages. Later I am going to do my Wii Fit for the first time in ages, going to think about what to do for dinner tomorrow and get the meat out of the freezer, re make the bed (stripped and washed since I got in) and think about what to do for my birthday. Is he taking me out for a meal? I have no idea but if he does I hope we go to Barrollo's in Winton which is where we went last year. And for Kristie's 18th. I love Italian food especially some of the lush pasta dishes they do and it makes good for a green day on the diet.

More of a positive is that they moved me in with the 'pondlife' at work today which means that I have passed the initial training and can be let loose on my own. Woo hoo. Still need some help but not as much as I thought I would.

I am curious to know what my Mum and Dad have got me for my birthday. I know Sally has got me some books (some of which I have but are so well read they are tatty) by Maeve Binchey who is one of my favorite authors. Her books are just so funny. She is a real story teller. I wish I could write like she does. The only other present I know that I have got are the tickets for Cardiff. Other than that I have no idea. Did drop a hint at Kristie that I would like the new Daniel Merriweather CD but whether she took the hint or not I have no idea. We shall wait and see. Two days and counting.....................

The great weight loss campaign

In some of my other posts I have mentioned that I am on a weight loss campaign and have been for over a year. The attached picture is me before I started out on the diet. Since then I have lost 2 stone and still have a long way to go. I don't have a definitive weight to get to but I do have an idea of where I want to be. The same dress size that I was pre having the kids. Tonight's weigh in showed I have lost another half a pound which is all to the greater good. I did omelette's for dinner when we got in and they were nice cos I put some parsley out of the herb tubs in the garden in them. The first time I have used it this year.

I love trying to grow herbs and stuff and for once this has been a success. Even Ryan has grown his own strawberries which he ate tonight. We did try veggies once but they took so much work we ended up giving up on them yet the potatoes are still growing down there. The front looks a bit of a mess at the moment but that is because I really cannot be bothered with weeding it out and trimming the edges. Having said that there are so many bushy and grass plants in the boarders that I cannot tell the weeds from the real stuff.

Apart from that not much has happened today. Its been a quiet day and that is how I like it. Having an early night tonight as him indoors is off to Willersey which is near Evesham which is where their head office is, so he needs to leave early. Except that I have to wait up for Kristie to come in...................

Not what I thought it was going to be.........

Slumdog Millionaire that is. I'm not sure what I expected it to be like, more of a comedy I think. It certainly opened my eyes to the way that some children are forced to live in foreign countries. Sunday nights over dinner is always a movie. Usually the kids choose but we picked this up in Sainsburys this morning so there was no choice. I don't do the cinema as I tend to fall asleep but I like watching films on Sky (occasionally) and wait for stuff to come out on DVD as well. I still want Madagascar 2 but they are showing the penguin cartoons on Nickelodeon at the moment which makes me laugh.

Other things that make me laugh........Shaun The Sheep, My friend Carole and some of the things that we got up to when we were younger, Frank Skinner, Ryan when he tickles me and when fizzy drink bubbles go up your nose. Certain kiting friends of mine make me laugh too but there are too many to mention.

Its been a funny sort of day weather wise what with an almighty thunder storm at one this morning. I was still awake and there were a couple of flashes and then two horrendous bangs as if the storm was overhead. It has rained on and off all day too. Got some washing dry but had to tumble dry some as well. Did the BBQ indoors for a change as we had the stuff for it, and very nice it was too.

Back to work tomorrow. Some people there think I am too quiet, others know I just get my head down and get on with it. I like the people that I work with. Along with Gwyneth I am the eldest one there. Oh and I must remember to get cakes for Thursday as its my birthday. I will be 21 with 26 years experience. Well 47 but that sounds a lot better.

Oh well no need to water the garden tonight..........and as long as there is no more rain I'll be fine.

Its the day when...................

you wish that you had stayed in bed I think. I went to work which was ok and ended up learning something new again. Did goodness knows how many referrals as some information on the system was incorrect or not there at all. Now that is annoying.

I feel as if I have been hit by a ten ton truck at the moment. I ache, my eczema is bad in places, and where I should not be getting problems with time of the month the stomach cramps are now becoming a nightmare again. I will mention this to the doctor next time I go I think as much as the surgery I had 2 years ago helped it is not as affective as it first was. Because of the anti depressants I can only take paracetamol for any pain or discomfort I am in as Nurofen reacts with them.

I spoke to my friend Carole again today and apologised for my meltdown chat with her on Tuesday. She said we all slip up now and again and to just get on and think about the future. Which is what I am doing now. She has known me for nearly 40 years and is like a sister to me. We talk about Speedway, which is our real first love and all sorts of other things. They (her and her daughter) were going to come over for a BBQ tonight but the weather is not so good so we have rearranged it for 2 weeks time.

I also found my phone or rather the kids did. It had managed to get into a box up the hall which is why I could not find it. End result is that the hall has never looked tidier. Next job finish stripping the walls in our room so that we can get that painted.

I had a dream last night, that I could see the end of the rainbow and the pot of gold. Oh for a win on the lottery..........................

Getting my head round things

Is not the task I thought it would be. Its tough. I can accept what has happened and that is that. It is not looking good though and there is an air of silence and seemingly contempt in the house. I really have nothing more to say on the subject that has caused this but it seems to be being thrown back in my face at every opportunity and if I try and talk calmly and rationally about it, then it turns into world war 3.

I ended up sat in the toilet at work crying for about 10 minutes but everyone knew that the best thing to do was to leave me alone. I just have to accept what is and thats the end of it.

Ryan has made me smile again today. He tried tickling my feet. Anyone who knows me well knows that I hate having my feet touched. Tickling results in the assailant usually getting kicked or something of that nature.

Only 3 weeks til Cardiff. I can't wait and only 6 days til my birthday...............

Trying to understand

the events of the past few days (I am not going into the full details but it is a low point in my life) and trying to understand why what happened happened. I have cried so many tears over it that I have none left. All I can really say is what ever happens my family will always come first. When I get upset I try and think of happy things. Like some of the pictures I have taken over time. Like this one at Evening Hill a couple of years ago. I just love sunsets.

I am still working. Still getting good comments about how quickly I have picked up the job. My partner in crime, Linda is away now for two weeks. She has gone to Boston in the USA to visit family. I have not known her very long but we get on very well.

Did have one of my deep thought moments earlier. About how I can change the way that I am about certain things. The thing is though that change scares the hell out of me. May be I need to get away for a few days. Just have some me time somewhere quiet. But then I would miss the kids too much. I hate being apart from Ryan even when he is at school. They are both very special to me. I know I play the big bad mum sometimes but it just makes me love them more.

Feel a bit better today but still feel as if there is something missing...................

Change of plan.................

I deleted the original post for tonight because I felt that it was wrong to post it.

I can't really say too much right now because I am unhappy and really can't think of what to say. May be I will feel better tomorrow and right something proper.

Once in a while...............

I just feel like escaping from it all. Not so much recently but when the depression was not quite at its worst I used to feel like walking away from everything and going somewhere else. The reality being I would never leave my kids anyway but there were times when I felt as though if I did not I would explode. Now Tim will be the first to tell you that my mood swings can be a total nightmare. I become aggressive, scream and shout, and the worst thing is I can never remember anything the next morning. It is sort of like waking up after a night out getting drunk but not having touched a drop of alcohol. I don't drink now a days anyway but I used to be a heavy drinker. Now I get the odd day like lunch time today for example, where I could have quite fancied a glass of wine, but put the idea out of my head immediately because I knew that would only lead to trouble. Now all I drink is fizzy water and diet coke. I feel better for it too. With the help of the medication that I am on and giving up alcohol I am a lot happier than I used to be.

So why do I feel that something is missing. It can't be a mid life crisis as I have already done that. It is not that the family have done anything to make me feel like this because they have been brilliant (even though we have our ups and downs). Is it because I am not in a high pressured job anymore? No if anything I feel more relaxed and less stressed about work than I have done in years. So what is it? I have my own home (3 bed semi on the outskirts of town). Two wonderful kids, a husband who I know loves me even though my mid life crisis put him through hell. A job that although mundane is satisfying. Like most people we have money worries but we can over come those I hope. I have friends all over the place thanks to being involved in the kiting community. I have my own website and many hobbies that I love.

May be the answer is staring me in the face and I just can't see it. Ok so what I would like to do. Visit more kite beaches up and down the country. Do that OU course that I plan to do when I have the money. Visit our friends Rob and Emma and the kids out in New Zealand. Learn to drive. Set up my own business in something like photography. The thing is which of these will come to fruition first due to money. Time will tell but one day I will get there.

Think an early night is in order. My brain is about to turn to mush and I may disappear in a cloud of smoke.................

The pool does not leak............

As mentioned we got given a pool last year by next door so we decided to clean it and put it up for Ryan today. No leaks took ages to fill, and ages to empty. But Ryan had fun. Tim also managed to cause a tidal wave when he decided to jump in it. The problem we have though is finding somewhere to put it that is level as the back garden slopes away quite steeply. Top end by the back door is about the only place it will go unless we take the gazebo down which I don't want to as it is a good place to sit when its hot.

I also got moaned at for snoring in the back garden today. I did not realise that fallen asleep. But then they all started burping loudly after dinner and it was like living on a pig farm. The only pets that we have are a tank full of fish. Saying that we are looking after next doors parrot when they go on holiday in July. I am not sure about looking after it for 2 weeks but it will be an experience.

Now for once this weekend we did not really do a lot. Usually we end up going out somewhere or the other taking photos or walking or something. It was actually nice not having to do a lot other than go to the shops for a few extra salad bits instead of rushing around like a lunatic.

It really feels like summer is here now. I hope it stays this way for a while. Well up to and including my birthday would be nice. With the wind in a good direction next weekend and a BBQ it will be great. Wishful thinking on my part maybe...................

Now that was hot................

and I don't just mean the weather. Because of the blazing hot day we had (naff winds included so no flying) we had a BBQ this evening. A word of advice though. Take a gallon of water out with you if you ever use a Budwiser Hot Wing Marinade on chicken. Basically it does what it says on the bottle. Hot and spicy is not the word for it. It was nice though. I also have a thing about Sainsburys Pesto Pasta salad from the salad bar. It is lush. really nice and not heavy like some pasta salads. Ryan prefers cheesy pasta salad, Krisite loves tomato and herb and Tim will eat anything that is put infront of him re pasta salad. If the weather holds which it should do we are having another one tomorrow.

Been outside most of the afternoon because of the weather. Did some work in the garden, and had the music on speakers out there. I am sure that the neighbours loved Green Day, Appo remixes, Jack Johnson and Santana. Well I know Kate next door liked our taste in music cos she said so. Ryan spent most of the afternoon in their pool. I must set up the one that they gave us last year so we can have the girls over.

Anyway our tickets for Cardiff came today, I am so glad that they have arrived cos I did wonder how long they would take. I watched the end of the speedway GP from Ullevi in Gothenburg earlier. Did forget it was on though. I hope that the track at Cardiff does not get carved up like this one did as it caused all sorts of problems. Ruts that sent you spiraling out of control and that is just for starters. I was pleased that Sayfutdinov won it though. My only concern is that if he carries on like this he could end up doing a Lewis Hamilton and win the title in his first full season and then fall by the wayside dramatically. I am so looking forward to Cardiff though. Not been to the Millenium Stadium before and its been a long time since I went to Cardiff.

Its a bit like going back to my roots in a sense as my Grandparents came from South Wales. One from Cardiff and the other from Haverfordwest. We visited Haverfordwest when we went on holiday to Tenby about 7 years ago. Told my Dad we had been there and he said that we must have walked over the bridge where they met. I wish we could have more than a day trip down there. A weekend would be nice but not possible right now. My Dad was the first person in his family to be born outside of Wales.

More waffle tomorrow.

Take a tip from me.....................

Always put sun cream on when its sunny and hot. Tim took Ryan out today while I was at work and forgot to put cream on him and he now has a very red neck and face. I have rubbed masses of Vitamin E cream into him and he seems ok now but I will keep an eye on him for a couple of days. It has been so hot today and guess what? the air conditioning in our part of the building failed and we had fans on everywhere.

It is also month end so pay day which meant take away for dinner which was nice. Chinese from the one over the shops by here again. It was also food shop night so we bought a load of BBQ stuff for the weekend and salad too as we all like it. I would be happy to cook like that every weekend cos I don't have to do it.

Doing overtime in the morning as we had so much post in today that it all needs to be cleared so I have agreed that I will do 9 til 1. Or there abouts. I was doing multi account processing today which is the more complicated stuff. Well sort of because there are a lot more things that you cannot do with them. Still enjoying it and still liking the salad bar for lunches. I do get tempted by the other stuff they have there sometimes but not often.

Ok now I am going to attempt to attach a picture. If this works it will be a miracle. Woo hoo just previewed it and it did. It is one I took of Ryan on a recent trip to Lepe Beach which is in the New Forest but close to Southampton Water. Its nice as there is a play area, the beach and country walks all in the same place. We are so lucky living where we do as we are close to the beach and the forest. I know I could never live in a city.

Off to see if anyone had done a half decent picture of me to put in my profile.

Funny sort of day.....................

Where as yesterday was good today has not been so good.

I went to work which was one of those if it could go wrong it did days. I went for the interview that I got a recall on and got told that they had no idea that I had been out there before. I wanted takeaway for tea and got told no and then it was decided that we should renew our kiting insurance before we forget and try and go to the Ho! again.

The interview went ok and was completely different to the original one. It felt more comfortable being there and I was made to feel at ease. I find out tomorrow if I have got it. In some ways I hope that I do and in others not.

I was just scooting around some speedway websites and found a rather interesting forum www.speedway-forum.co.uk/forums/index.php?act=idx Some very good topics not just about the sport in general but things in the past, and all sorts. Not registered yet though. Something to do at the weekend. I really want to go down to Poole one night soon and see a meeting, before Cardiff if I can but the costs are quite high now. Makes me laugh when I used to get in for kids rate til I was 21. One of the topics was about tracks that you wish you had visited that are no longer there. Some of them like Belle Vue (Hyde Road), Cradley and Halifax I have been to. Ones that I wish I had been to when I used to go all the time in the early 80's were Hull (The Boulevard), Exeter, Leicester and Hackney. I still miss going every week. I remember going to Ipswich once and getting home at 4 in the morning just as my Dad was going to work.

Those were the days......................

Thoughts about work....................

Well not a lot of them today because apart from going to work and doing a telephone interview not a lot has happened today. I managed to process 105 mandates between 11 and 4.15 which included 45 minutes of breaks and apparently is more than good for a beginner. Also did masses of batching before 11 and felt exhausted by the end of the day.

Then came the interview. I am not too sure about this because although it is customer service it is dealing with child care services ie babysitters and childminders. I am not sure about this one tomorrow either as it is so far out and I cannot drive. I do wonder why I am going out there again except that they want to see me. As I have said before I like what I do now and its fun now I am getting to know everyone. The money may not be brilliant but its better than nothing at all and to me keeping my brain ticking over is far more important. The job I have now needs a lot of accuracy and I am good at that.

I don't miss insurance at all. I know this contract runs til April and then I may have to look again but if I can continue doing this for as long as possible I would be happy. I have just worked out that the money for the child care services post is about the same as what I am now so why change if its not going to make a difference financially.

I know money is not everything. If money was no object then I would have a house built in Westward Ho! which is my favorite place ever. I'd learn to drive and have a car that was nice and easy to manage but big enough for all the kite gear for trips away. I'd visit Australia to see family and New Zealand to see friends and the kite beaches over there. Oh I can dream..................

Banana and Custard Smooth yoghurt

tastes like chocolate according to him indoors. I leaned over to put his cup of tea down to be asked what chocolate I had been eating. Ummmmm no I have been to weigh in tonight and there is no way I would have eaten chocolate even though I am another 3 lb down. That is since April last year the grand total of 2 stone 3 and a half pound. I seem to have stuck around this weight for ages and what I am trying to do is be even more strict with myself. I think I need to be especially with my birthday and the trip to Cardiff coming up. More fruit and more yoghurt.

Been to work today. Have also been asked to two interviews this week one for a job I went for before and the other is a telephone one which I have also spoken to before but I am not really sure about either of them to be honest. I am happy with the non pressurised environment that I work in at the moment and the fact it is weekly paid is better for us at the moment because then Tim's money sits in the bank and pays the bills where as mine pays for the shopping and other bits.

The raging headache has now finally disappeared. Its only taken 3 and a half days to go. I feel so much better but it is so hot and sticky I can feel that it may come back again. I hate being ill. At least now the depression is under control I feel happier and more in control of what I do.

Been thinking too. About what I really want to do with my life. I need to do that OU course when I have the money. I want to prove to myself that I can do it, along with a few other things like continue the weight loss, get fit, get rid of the depression and stop relying on anti depressants to get me through life and most of all I want to be in total control of everything that I do. Not just for the family but for me as well. I know I am getting better and that it will take time. I have stopped drinking alcohol totally and have no interest in it at all. Except the odd craving for a glass of wine, but that soon passes.

Oh and why is it when they say call me when you finish work I go to and then get moaned at for not calling at dead on half 4. I finished 15 minutes late because I wanted to finish processing what I was doing as I only had 4 left and phoned as soon as I could. I was not being picked up and was doing a bit of shopping after and had a call from one of the interviewers which I returned first. I then called and got moaned at for not texting to say I was going to be later. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh Men!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so unfit...............

Went over as far as Swanage today with him indoors. Kristie and Ryan had gone to Weymouth. It was a gloriously sunny and hot day with virtually no wind so kite flying was out of the equation. We walked through town stopping to look in Rainbow's End (my favorite shop ever) and nearly bought another long skirt in there.I have a nice dark turquoise one that I got from there just over a year ago which I love and wanted a similar style in another colour. They had a nice dusky pink one but it made me look fat. Well fatter than I am.

Anyway we decided to walk up through the park by the pier and up on to the cliff top.Its not that far but quite a steep uphill climb to get to the point at Dancing Ledge. We did it but had to stop 3 times on the way up because it was a) exhausting and b) practically killed my knees. It was worth it for the view alone when we got there though. Could see for miles around. Coming down was ok as it was downhill the whole way. It was good exercise though.

It was nice to be out in the sunshine again and I managed another couple of hours in the garden again today. I am not a great one for sun bathing. I prefer to be doing something but again him indoors insisted on it and that it would do my eczema good. He is right and it is itching a lot less in some places. I still have the headache but it is nothing like as bad as yesterday.

Back to work tomorrow. Tim is off. Kristie is at college and Ryan is going to a car boot sale with my parents. It means that no one really know what the others are doing or where they should be and the calendar has not got the right info on it. Well it has but as Kristie forgets to update it its a bit of a nightmare.

Its late so I am off to bed. After my cup of tea that is...........................

Trains, Planes and Raging Headaches................

Today we took Ryan to the Eastleigh 100 train depot open day. Got there nice and early before opening time and considering it was mainly for the men of the family I quite enjoyed it. I took Ryan on a steam driven brake van ride which he loved even though it was a very short journey. There were plenty of steam and diesel trains to look at and some electric ones as well. There were also loads of stalls selling all sorts of model railway kits and other things like train books and DVD's even one that sold all sorts of different types of tickets. There were also food and drink stands but we took our own food and just bought an ice cream which was nice.

Eastleigh Rail Depot is actually more or less next door to Southampton Airport. So we had loads of air craft flying over as well which was quite interesting. They come in a lot lower than they do over our house which is under the flight path for Bournemouth Airport. Mind you we get treated to the odd Red Arrows demo when they are flying in the South as they tend to use Bournemouth as its base.

Had the most god awful headache for the past day or so. Not even sure what started it except that no matter what I try it won't go away. I can't take Nurofen because of the anti depressants and the paracetamol is not even touching it. We came home from Eastleigh a bit earlier than we planned to because of it (and Tim's knee) and I spent most of the rest of the afternoon asleep in the gazebo with my bikini and sarong on although I did go topless at one point. Still got it now and all I want to do is sleep. I have never had a headache this bad in my life. I am worried that if it gets in behind my eyes that I will end up in bed for a day or two.

Not sure what we are doing tomorrow as it is all weather dependent. Its clouded over outside now and its a lot cooler. Hope the headache has gone by then.......

Early bird catches the bargains

Well that was the plan and for once the day went reasonably to plan. Getting up at 7.30 on a Saturday is not my idea of fun. But it worked. Had the weeks shop done and back indoors by 10.30. Why we did it Saturday instead of Friday was because of Kristie getting an extra 10% on her discount card over the weekend because of Sainsburys 140th anniversary. Saved us a bit of money as usual. Is it me or is the food better quality in Sainsburys than ASDA and Tesco? We used to shop at both at different times and the fresh food in them seems not to last as long. I tend to get nearly everything from one place and just pick up odds and ends when necessary at other shops.

Did the garden today. Hurt my knee mowing the lawn. Not a good sign especially as we are walking around all day tomorrow. I hope Ryan likes his day out. He has been out today with Kristie and spent his birthday money. He got loads for his money including two Pokemon DVD's and a Nintendog Husky. That boy loves dogs. He would have a real one if he could I'm sure.

Had a BBQ this evening which was nice and served up with loads of salad. I currently have a gammon joint in the slo cooker for tomorrow when we get back from our outing which we will have with salad and new potatoes. Definitely yummy. I am trying to menu plan again now I am working. Got Sweet potato and spinach curry one night this week. Sounds odd but looks nice. I have loads of things to try out on the family this month. Including home made ice cream, chicken and seafood paella, sticky chicken and a whole load more. I like trying new ideas but I am not the worlds greatest cook so I just try and if they work then we do them again.

I think this will be a short one as I am about to fall asleep at the keyboard............night all

The end of the week as we know it...........

Well I got told today that my long term contract runs until April next year and could go beyond that if they do not move our department. If it does we may well get offered permanent contracts. I am enjoying it even though some of the work is repetitive, it is not as pressured as working in a claims environment. We still have targets to reach and the like but it is a nice team to work in and everyone gets on with everyone else. My end of week one review was good so I am happy.

All in all its been a quite eventful week what with Speedway and the new job and Ryan's birthday. The Bank Holiday weekend is going to be very busy. Him indoors is on about the garden and getting the gazebo up. Also should have a BBQ as the weekend weather is supposed to be good apart from Monday.

Its half term next week so Tim is on holiday with Ryan and I have to work while Kristie has to work and go to college. I'll have some time off in the summer holidays though when we can go out for days. Not sure what they are doing but I dare say they will go kite flying at some point even though the fair is down at Baiter. I am looking forward to hearing what Ryan has done with his Dad. I might get him to write a diary.

I am sat here waiting for Kristie to come in from work. What time that will be is anybody's guess as she is supposed to finish at 10.30 but never gets in til a lot later. Still it keeps her out of trouble and earns her good money for what she does.

Oh well I shall update with the Bank Holiday fun tomorrow night. Now I need a cup of tea.................

Oooo now I did not expect that...............x 2

After watching the Speedway last night I commented on how I had never been to a Grand Prix before and if he wanted ideas for my birthday then I would like to go to Cardiff for the British GP which is 2 weeks after my birthday. So low and behold tonight he has only been and gone and ordered tickets for all 4 of us to go. Woo Hoo can I do a happy dance? That has seriously made my day. I am so looking forward to it but it is going to be a very long day. Its about a three and a half hour drive each way and the meeting starts at 5pm so although it should be finished at a reasonable time it means we still will not get home til about one in the morning. Oh I really am happy about it. It means the world to me.

Work is going really well still and we have been offered overtime from next week. I am pleased with the way things are going and two agencies called me today about work. One was an agency that I registered with a week or so ago and the other sent me for an interview for a company in Verwood when I first became out of work but they turned me down but gave a very good feedback and now they have had another post come up and they want to talk to me again. I have said I would but I am happy doing what I am doing and don't feel pressured at all where as I was before.

The music thing at work is interesting. Talking to some of those who do listen while they work opened my eyes to a bit more of the music world. They listen to anything from Lady Gaga to metal to trance and a lot more besides. Think I'll stick to Jack Johnson and maybe some Appo podcasts. Want to hear the new Green Day CD once him indoors has sorted it out.

Keeping it short tonight. Its a long weekend so who knows what we will get up to.

Following on from

last night, I got my wild card prediction for the British Speedway Grand Prix right. I said either Edward Kennett or Tai Woffinden and well they both had a good night. Chris Harris a deserving winner though and Eddie did really well to get to Cardiff. I have dropped huge hints tonight about going to Cardiff for the British GP for my birthday present. Whether it will happen or not I have no idea. On the subject of speedway, we have a new local team called the Bournemouth Buccaneers and they have their first home National League meeting tomorrow night. Against the King's Lynn Barracudas (used to be at Boston). The best thing of all is that entry to it is free as its their first one. Guess we will go down and see it. I haven't been to speedway for a good 3 years so its about time I went again. I watch it on Telly most weeks and most of the GP's. I wish I could afford to go every week but for the whole family to go would cost in the region of £60.00 and that is without drinks or food. I miss the old days like going to Poole every week with my best friend, going on away trips and getting home at silly o'clock in the morning. Going to World Finals in Germany and Bradford in the 1980's before they changed it to the GP system, going to the old White City stadium in London for assorted World Team Cup finals, ticker tape (made out of an old phone book pinched by someone from a phone box) at Eastbourne, oh and the old Halifax circuit, Sausage and chips at Watford Gap services at one in the morning with Rock band The Moody Blues.............I could go on but it would get boring...............

Feel reasonably happy today. Nothing major has happened and my mood for once is fairly upbeat. The day got better as it went on. Work was good. Worked 8.30 til 4.30 and doing the same again tomorrow. I like it that way as it means I can get home at a sensible time and not have to think about tea straight away.

The diet is not going as well as I would like it to, I gained a pound over the last two weeks. Not surprised as I was off work last week between jobs and I tend to eat more when I am at home. The new magazine has a load of fabulous recipes to try this time so if they work I may post them on here. A lot of them have a sort of Caribbean feel to them or are good Summer recipes.

Not much else to tell today so I'll leave it at that.

Trusting People and more about me..................

Well another day has come and gone and there is not really a lot to tell. Work went well apart from when the system crashed (server is in Northampton) and I sort of conquered the escalator but time will tell. Tried one of their chicken salads today in the canteen and it was really nice. I also found out that the girl I work with is off to America for two weeks in two weeks time so it means I need to get to know the other people a bit quicker than I thought I would have to. I am very wary of people until I get to know them and find it hard to trust people which is why I only have a handful of real friends. Those close to me are the only people I trust and respect. The other thing with me is I either like a person or I hate them. There is no middle ground. And I am also pretty accurate in my opinion of people and rarely get it wrong which I why when I do trusting those around me becomes more important than ever.

I was sat here and remembered that they told us to lessen the boredom we can take in mp3 players to listen to while we work. Then realised mine needs charging. I love music. I can listen to almost anything except Jazz and Country music. I like Rock mostly but also think that some R 'n' B and modern Punk is quite good. My favorite at the moment is Kings Of Leon CD Only By The Night which I can listen to all the time. Well that and The Ting Tings We Started Nothing. I find Jack Johnson relaxing especially In Between Dreams and Brush Fire Fairy Tales. Definitely work related music. I think that if I blast my ears out with AC/DC or The Foo Fighters the boss won't be very happy.

Sleep is another issue. Its either all or nothing and more often than not it is nothing or very little anyway. I don't know why or if it has something to do with the depression. Some days I feel I could sleep all day other days I am so energetic that I feel as if I could run a marathon. I just wish I could switch off completely and sleep properly for once.

More random stuff tomorrow after Speedway's British Final. I think that the Wild Card for the Gand Prix series will be Edward Kennett or Tai Woffinden but I would love to see Joe Screen upset the apple cart and qualify.

New Job and Phobias

First day in the new job and have been told that the contract is likely to go on until April next year at least. The department I am in was originally going to be moved to Northampton in April but is now staying indefinitely with a decision being made by March as to whether it is going to move and if so where to. It is basically secured data input and I cannot say any more than that. The people there are nice and they have a good staff restaurant which is good for the diet as they have a salad bar and deli bar which does low cal/fat lunches for about £1.50. The also do breakfasts but I think I will avoid them for the moment. We all take our breaks together too which is nice cos we get to know the team a bit better. Most of us are agency staff there. It is not bad at all. The only downside is when I leave the building. You can only go in and out by escalator. At the front of the building is a very large glass area. Now if there is one thing I have a phobia about (apart from a very severe one to do with snakes and also fire) it large areas of glass. In one job I had I refused to sit by the window as it ran floor to ceiling and was quite wide. Anyway getting back to today, it took me 10 minutes to get out of the building because of this flipping window. I think the security guy thought I was nuts. (He would not be far wrong to be honest) I ended up waiting until there was at least one other person who could go down in front of me before I got on the escalator. If there is someone in front of me there is no problem. Going up is not a problem either as you don't see the glass.

The phobia to do with snakes stems back to a family picnic in the New Forest as a child, when out for a walk from our picnic base with my sister and two friends I almost trod on an Adder. I have been terrified of snakes ever since and will not go in a reptile house at the zoo or even look at a picture of them or look at them on the TV. And as for the thought of holding one...........don't even go there. My friend Debs son has a pet snake and much as Ryan loved it I would not go anywhere near it when we visited them. The Fire phobia again is a bit odd. I could never light a match even at guide camp to light the fire and when I was younger my Mum put on an electric heater when we got back from a few days away one time and did not realise that some paper had fallen inside and it caught fire and it again terrified me. I still cannot light a match even now.

Today was also Ryan's birthday. He loves his Cube World blocks and also the Snoopy book and Lego Star Wars and Indiana Jones stuff and the DS bits he got too. Ok we had a chocolate cake for his birthday cake which did not do the diet a lot of good but it was yummy and there is some left for tomorrow night. He also got a lot of money for his birthday and he says he wants to get family ski and snowboard for the Wii. I cannot believe he is 9 already. It seems like only yesterday he was coming home.

On the subject of the Wii, I really must get back into Wii Fit. I've not done it for ages and miss it in a sense. I stopped because I was exhausted after work all the time and had no energy. Now I work better hours I can try and concentrate on the things I love best. Hopefully the time factor will also help towards combatting the depression. There have been more up days than down days recently. There are a few issues I need to get my head round but things are starting to come together and that can only be good for me. The medication is fine and I feel as if I have reached a turning point now in my recovery.

Blooming weather

Well today was supposed to be the SEKA (South East Kiting Association) Event day at Lordshill. Decided that due to the fact the rain at 8.30 this morning was coming in the bedroom window horizontally that it was probably a non starter, which is a shame as its about the nearest they ever get to us here. It was really heavy rain and it did wake me up. But for the rest of the day the wind has been howling. And I mean howling. Its been so strong it has knocked over the garden furniture again.

We moved into this house 7 years ago today. I'll never forget it. It rained that day too. It was such a relief to move in the end so that the kids had their own rooms and that they had a big garden to play in. In the front you can probably get 4 or 5 cars if you wanted to. The back is about 40 foot long by about 30 foot wide. In retrospect the size of the garden did not matter as long as it was not shared like at the flat. I will never forget walking in here and saying it was finally ours.I'll post a picture sometime of what it looks like now. Still needs work doing to it. I keep saying we will do this or we will do that but we never have the time.

Been to see the Mother in Law today as well to pick up Ryan's cards. As usual she has something to moan about. The strange thing is that I get on better with her now than when the Father in Law was alive. Not sure why but I do. Also saw my great Nephew Elijah whilst we were there. He is two and he is absolutely stunning. I love his red/gold hair. Ryan had that when he was born then went blond and now is quite dark. I wish it had stayed red but then Kristie was white blond when she was born and is dark blond now.

Bit nervous about this job I am starting tomorrow if the truth be known. I am not sure what to expect apart from inputting info into a computer. I know they have a staff canteen on site but that is all. The money is not brilliant but its a job and it is bringing money in. I wish that the council would contact us regarding the posts that I have applied for through them. I just feel that working for them would be so right for me.

I hope the weather is better tomorrow. I hate the thought of starting a new job looking like a drowned rat.......

Eurovision and other rubbish

Well that was hilarious. Normally only watch the voting which is always political but not so much this year due to the change in voting which still made me laugh. Was I the only one who thought that the Albanian entry deserved more votes than it got? For once the UK did well considering that the song seemed different to most of the rest. Not sure what Armenia and Moldova were doing but I thought they were dreadful.

Went down to Sandbanks earlier. Watching the kite surfers on both the harbour side and the beach at Shore Road. Very gusty winds down there and no one seemed to be jumping as they were on much smaller kites and it was long runs rather than the short runs you often get there.

Been thinking about work on Monday and what I really want to do in the future. I am going to look at doing an Open University course in either Health and Social Care or Psychology. It all stems from the last temp job at the council and I would like to do something to help those in more difficult positions than my own family. It is something that I have thought of doing before but never seemed to have the time or the money to do anything about it but hopefully that will change and I will be able to do something about it.

What is it about sea air though that makes you feel tired? One of lifes mysteries like many other like which came first the chicken or the egg and why does the wind always blow in the wrong direction when you want to go flying. Why also do teenagers think they know it all? And most of all why oh why does nobody ever listen clearly to what they are told? Ok I admit to being guilty of that too but not as much as some I could mention. Its why I have a calendar on the PC and everyone is supposed to update it. So why am I the only one who does? Answers on a post card please.................

Woo hoo hang the flags out

I have a new job to start on Monday. Data Input for a firm that deals in pensions and life insurance for the older generation. It may not be what I want to do but it will bring in money and also add another string to my bow so to speak. Anyway it Monday to Friday 9-5 and the place has a gym and a subsidised restaurant which I have seen before and it looks good. I wish I did not have to start on Ryan's birthday but so be it. Its a long term temp contract which could go on for months. The irony is I was on my way in to see the agency when they called me about it anyway.

Also after having an argument with her managed a rather nice lunch with my daughter today. She seems to pick a fight with anyone and everyone over the least little thing. Today's argument was over the state of her bedroom (or should I call it a tip or a pig sty) which has driven me nuts for ages. I have even threatened her with clearing everything out and dumping it now as I am so fed up with her lack of doing anything.

Other than that not really done much today apart from try and job search online and sorting out finances. Chuffed as hell cos I got a tax rebate I was not expecting for a few more weeks. Makes life easier for me in a lot of respects. Just got to get a few bits for Ryan's birthday and we are sorted.

Been thinking though.....about the way life is at the moment........I have good days (like today) and then I have horrendous days where I can't get anything right and I want to stop the world and get off. The good news is that these days are getting less and less. I have issues that I struggle with some of the time but not all of the time. Today has made me so happy in so many respects but there is still that little niggle at the back of ny mind that something is not right. I can't explain why though. May be the doctor can when I see him next.

More random thoughts tomorrow I'm sure.

Homemade Pizza and other thoughts

Well I did pizza for tea tonight. My lot love them because they can pick and choose what they want on them. I like them because I can make them diet friendly. I love trying to adapt things so they are good on the diet but sometimes they don't work that well. I am not the worlds greatest cook but I like to try.

I had a quiet day today. Apart from doing the school run I have been no further than the paper shop. I get fed up with going out and about all the time and spending money we have not got on bus fares. I wish I could drive sometimes. It would make life so much easier. But then again parking can be a nightmare and in some places cost a small fortune. Still I managed to apply for a few more jobs and him indoors has been working from home too so did not get disturbed too much.

It rained today as well. The one day I put three loads of washing on the line and it chucks it down. So now I have wet washing all over the place and no hope of airing it outside if the weather is anything to go by as it is due to rain all weekend. Not happy about that as SEKA have an event day at Lordshill in Southampton on Sunday and I could do with getting out and flying. I like Lordshill. Wind can be a bit lumpy but it is bigger than Baiter so that has to be a plus point. Kristie is working in the evening this Sunday and can't go but thats life. Ryan will love it though.

Talking of Ryan its his birthday on Monday. No party as its an expense that we can do without at the moment but he has got some nice presents to come. He is also getting a special day out to do with one of his favorite subjects, trains. He does not know about this yet though.

Enough waffle for today. Oh Except that the Poole Pirates beat the Lakeside Hammers last night........woo hoo we are on our way back at last.

What is it about people

That seems to get my back up at the moment.

Yesterday for example I went and registered with an agency who said that they had vacancies only to get the don't call us we'll call you treatment. Mind you it seems like that everywhere I go at the moment. I went to sign on today as the temp job has now finished and got told I have to wait til the last of that money has gone into the bank. So that means I cannot do anything until Monday now. I need to work to keep what is left of my sanity.

I also had an at home day today apart from that trip to the job centre. It was lovely to just be here on my own with a little bit of time to think about the future, look on line at job vacancies, read some Slimming World recipes and just do a bit of housework. We (Ryan and I) even tried to bake some rather large chocolate chip cookies! Well that is what they started out as. They turned into a giant flat looking cake that filled the whole of the baking tray. Mental note to self....I have never been much of a baker may be now is the time to learn. I am also going back to menu planning for the week. I stopped a few weeks back and wished I had not. Trying to find something low fat to do with the several packs of diced beef I have in the freezer is not as easy as I thought it would be.

I wish I knew why I feel so low and depressed some days. Yesterday I felt really low but today was completely different. I felt really high but strangely sad. I think that is something to do with coming to terms with my condition. I have never really accepted my depression had such an impact on my life until recently. Now I have to get things in order so that I can change things for the better. And that means making lots of changes. For the past few years I have not been a very likeable person in some respects. I have not only let my family down but let myself down. The more it has happened the more depressed I have become. Not any more. I will stop doing the things that I should not be doing and dedicate more time to the things that I should be doing. May be then I can learn to like myself again, and then may be my family will have more faith and trust in me. I love my family so much and I hate myself for letting them down but I will do this not only for me but for them to. I have to stop feeling negative and become more positive and more assertive.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Its Monday

Need I say more. Today has been ok up to a point. The good things being the CBT appointment which went well and talking to the agency that got me the last temp job in the hope that they can get me another one. The down side was too much time running around on buses. I hate not being able to drive but the other side of the coin on that one is that if I could we could not afford to run a car. Luckily for us him indoors has a company car and we pay a certain amount towards fuel each month.

I managed to get Ryan a book he wanted for his birthday next week. Its a Snoopy book and that biy is just crazy about dogs. He has a very well loved Andrex Puppy (called Puppy) that goes more or less everywhere with him. Except school of course.

Still feel very hormonal. Feel a bit at a loss too as no work at the moment. I need to work to keep my mind occupied. Spoke to a few other agencies as well and there is not a lot on the temp or permanent scene at all at the moment.

Did not even get to weigh in tonight as the CBT over ran. Bit cross about that as I really wanted to go tonight. I like our group meets on a Monday night. It makes me feel good whether I lose weight or not. Having lost 2 stone in a year is good news for me. I also like trying some of the different recipes in the magazine and a couple of the books I have. Mental note to self. Do not ever get disillusioned when you have a small gain. Its not worth stressing out about.

Not a lot else to tell so I'll leave it there today.

More random mutterings tomorrow.