Its the day when...................

you wish that you had stayed in bed I think. I went to work which was ok and ended up learning something new again. Did goodness knows how many referrals as some information on the system was incorrect or not there at all. Now that is annoying.

I feel as if I have been hit by a ten ton truck at the moment. I ache, my eczema is bad in places, and where I should not be getting problems with time of the month the stomach cramps are now becoming a nightmare again. I will mention this to the doctor next time I go I think as much as the surgery I had 2 years ago helped it is not as affective as it first was. Because of the anti depressants I can only take paracetamol for any pain or discomfort I am in as Nurofen reacts with them.

I spoke to my friend Carole again today and apologised for my meltdown chat with her on Tuesday. She said we all slip up now and again and to just get on and think about the future. Which is what I am doing now. She has known me for nearly 40 years and is like a sister to me. We talk about Speedway, which is our real first love and all sorts of other things. They (her and her daughter) were going to come over for a BBQ tonight but the weather is not so good so we have rearranged it for 2 weeks time.

I also found my phone or rather the kids did. It had managed to get into a box up the hall which is why I could not find it. End result is that the hall has never looked tidier. Next job finish stripping the walls in our room so that we can get that painted.

I had a dream last night, that I could see the end of the rainbow and the pot of gold. Oh for a win on the lottery..........................

Getting my head round things

Is not the task I thought it would be. Its tough. I can accept what has happened and that is that. It is not looking good though and there is an air of silence and seemingly contempt in the house. I really have nothing more to say on the subject that has caused this but it seems to be being thrown back in my face at every opportunity and if I try and talk calmly and rationally about it, then it turns into world war 3.

I ended up sat in the toilet at work crying for about 10 minutes but everyone knew that the best thing to do was to leave me alone. I just have to accept what is and thats the end of it.

Ryan has made me smile again today. He tried tickling my feet. Anyone who knows me well knows that I hate having my feet touched. Tickling results in the assailant usually getting kicked or something of that nature.

Only 3 weeks til Cardiff. I can't wait and only 6 days til my birthday...............

Trying to understand

the events of the past few days (I am not going into the full details but it is a low point in my life) and trying to understand why what happened happened. I have cried so many tears over it that I have none left. All I can really say is what ever happens my family will always come first. When I get upset I try and think of happy things. Like some of the pictures I have taken over time. Like this one at Evening Hill a couple of years ago. I just love sunsets.

I am still working. Still getting good comments about how quickly I have picked up the job. My partner in crime, Linda is away now for two weeks. She has gone to Boston in the USA to visit family. I have not known her very long but we get on very well.

Did have one of my deep thought moments earlier. About how I can change the way that I am about certain things. The thing is though that change scares the hell out of me. May be I need to get away for a few days. Just have some me time somewhere quiet. But then I would miss the kids too much. I hate being apart from Ryan even when he is at school. They are both very special to me. I know I play the big bad mum sometimes but it just makes me love them more.

Feel a bit better today but still feel as if there is something missing...................

Change of plan.................

I deleted the original post for tonight because I felt that it was wrong to post it.

I can't really say too much right now because I am unhappy and really can't think of what to say. May be I will feel better tomorrow and right something proper.

Once in a while...............

I just feel like escaping from it all. Not so much recently but when the depression was not quite at its worst I used to feel like walking away from everything and going somewhere else. The reality being I would never leave my kids anyway but there were times when I felt as though if I did not I would explode. Now Tim will be the first to tell you that my mood swings can be a total nightmare. I become aggressive, scream and shout, and the worst thing is I can never remember anything the next morning. It is sort of like waking up after a night out getting drunk but not having touched a drop of alcohol. I don't drink now a days anyway but I used to be a heavy drinker. Now I get the odd day like lunch time today for example, where I could have quite fancied a glass of wine, but put the idea out of my head immediately because I knew that would only lead to trouble. Now all I drink is fizzy water and diet coke. I feel better for it too. With the help of the medication that I am on and giving up alcohol I am a lot happier than I used to be.

So why do I feel that something is missing. It can't be a mid life crisis as I have already done that. It is not that the family have done anything to make me feel like this because they have been brilliant (even though we have our ups and downs). Is it because I am not in a high pressured job anymore? No if anything I feel more relaxed and less stressed about work than I have done in years. So what is it? I have my own home (3 bed semi on the outskirts of town). Two wonderful kids, a husband who I know loves me even though my mid life crisis put him through hell. A job that although mundane is satisfying. Like most people we have money worries but we can over come those I hope. I have friends all over the place thanks to being involved in the kiting community. I have my own website and many hobbies that I love.

May be the answer is staring me in the face and I just can't see it. Ok so what I would like to do. Visit more kite beaches up and down the country. Do that OU course that I plan to do when I have the money. Visit our friends Rob and Emma and the kids out in New Zealand. Learn to drive. Set up my own business in something like photography. The thing is which of these will come to fruition first due to money. Time will tell but one day I will get there.

Think an early night is in order. My brain is about to turn to mush and I may disappear in a cloud of smoke.................

The pool does not leak............

As mentioned we got given a pool last year by next door so we decided to clean it and put it up for Ryan today. No leaks took ages to fill, and ages to empty. But Ryan had fun. Tim also managed to cause a tidal wave when he decided to jump in it. The problem we have though is finding somewhere to put it that is level as the back garden slopes away quite steeply. Top end by the back door is about the only place it will go unless we take the gazebo down which I don't want to as it is a good place to sit when its hot.

I also got moaned at for snoring in the back garden today. I did not realise that fallen asleep. But then they all started burping loudly after dinner and it was like living on a pig farm. The only pets that we have are a tank full of fish. Saying that we are looking after next doors parrot when they go on holiday in July. I am not sure about looking after it for 2 weeks but it will be an experience.

Now for once this weekend we did not really do a lot. Usually we end up going out somewhere or the other taking photos or walking or something. It was actually nice not having to do a lot other than go to the shops for a few extra salad bits instead of rushing around like a lunatic.

It really feels like summer is here now. I hope it stays this way for a while. Well up to and including my birthday would be nice. With the wind in a good direction next weekend and a BBQ it will be great. Wishful thinking on my part maybe...................